I haven’t been making my daily posts lately, you might have noticed. I told myself a long time ago that I would never write a post telling you I have nothing to write about. Instead, I have chosen to simply not post until I again had something to say.
I have plenty of things I want to say now, but I’m not going to here. See, I blog under my own real name, and that photo on my About page is really me. My family reads this blog. My friends read it. My past and potential clients and employers read it. I have to be responsible about what I say in public, for their sake as much as for my own. And lately, I’ve been struggling with some things that are too hard to talk about publicly. So I’ve just stayed silent.
However, I don’t think I’m spilling any state secrets or likely to shock anyone when I say that I am sometimes afraid. Sometimes I’m angry. Sometimes I doubt myself. Sometimes I have regrets about the past and feel anxious about the future. I struggle in some of my close relationships, where “the past is never dead. It’s not even the past.”*
It is also pretty well known that as we grow older, our roles within our families of origin both change and stay the same, and that can be confusing to navigate. When one member of a family changes significantly, the balance also shifts between all the other members, and that can be painful. Being an “adult child” entails particular responsibilities, expectations and challenges. Most of the time one tries to be an adult, of course, but at other times one wishes one could stay a child (which one cannot).
Life doesn’t always work out according to our plans, and everybody hurts when we don’t get the things we want and circumstances don’t go our way. All we can do is the best we can do in every moment, every day.
So even while I feel stuck today, and might feel stuck tomorrow and the next day and maybe even the one after that, still I am trying in this moment to go forward, to find answers to my questions and solutions to my problems, and to commit to being the best person I can be and to bringing the best of myself to every relationship I have.
Wherever you stand, be the soul of that place. ~ Rumi
* William Faulkner, Requiem for a Nun (1950)